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South America is full of surprises! Each one was more surprising than the last. Some things weren’t surprising at all. Isn’t that surprising?

Surprise! Colombians Are The Nicest People In The World

Colombia has been dealing with a soft civil war for the last century. You’d think that this would harden Colombians into bunch of callous grouches. Instead, they’re so over-the-top friendly it’s like a country full of golden retrievers. They dance with strangers. They smile and nod when they pass on the street. Every purchase takes half an hour of chit chat- the rest of the line be damned. It’s lovely to see a whole country getting along so well, but that last one is a problem when you’re in a hurry to get to your airplane.

My first interaction with this was in a cab in Bogota. The driver was super friendly despite the language barrier. He kept calling his friend to chat about what he was doing at work. He made mention of bringing a “gringo” to “Plaza Bolivar” so many times that I wondered if his ham-fisted friendliness was a ruse, earning my trust while he set up a robbery. Nope, the guy was actually that excited to show me the city and make sure I left his home with a good impression.

Of course, as a white boy speaking Caveman Spanish, this wasn’t always the case. Pervert gringos have been such a problem lately and they’ve given us all a bad name. There were two places in Medellin that refused to serve me, but at least they turned me away with a smile.

Unsurprising: Buenos Aires Reeks

It’s an endless metropolis with a crippling poverty problem. People are making a living by digging bottles out of the trash for the deposit. The dumpsters they dig in provide just enough privacy to double as outhouses. You’ll find these on every major street, sometimes three or four to a block, and every fifth one stinks of urine.

The subways don’t fare any better. The floor is grimy, the pipes are leaking, and it stinks of piss. It’s probably just water, but you’ll be careful to step over every puddle you see.

People don’t clean up after their dogs, either. I hear it’s the same way in Spain, so I figure that’s a cultural thing rather than laziness. Every sidewalk is a minefield and you’ll find yourself scraping your shoes on the curb just in case. I also saw poop in the road that was far too large to be canine. I’m guessing the nearest dumpster was occupied.

Avenida 9 de Julio is the widest avenue in the world, boasting sixteen lanes of traffic. It’s an incredible thing to see, and walking down that road was a thrill I’ll never forget. Unfortunately those sixteens lanes are back up at all hours of the say, so the smog hovers accumulates and hovers, leaving schmutz on the buildings and painting your snot black.

Flyover Americans have been making fun of New York for all of these things for decades. Buenos Aires is bigger. It would be a surprise if you didn’t have to hold your nose every once in a while.

Surprise! Mexico Loves Being Ruled

Every country in the Americas fought some kind of war of independence against their European overlords except Canada, Belize, and sort of Brazil. Independence is an important part of the culture down there as it is here. Not Mexico. They tried independence, then gave up and begged Europe for a new monarch- twice.

Emperor Maximilian was the Austrian who ruled Mexico in the mid-19th century. The National History Museum in Chapultepec Castle, way up in the hills overlooking the city, used to be his house. You get to see his royal carriages, his clothes, restorations of his rooms and how he lived, and also Benito Juarez’ tuxedo is on display over there in the corner. There’s all this talk of revolution and independence on the lower levels of the museum, then all this adoration for the Emperor once you go up the stairs.

The American mind cannot comprehend this. It’s like having a King George museum on the White House lawn.

Unsurprising: Mexico City Looks Like Mexico

Paseo de la Reforma is the main drag through Mexico City, and it’s just beautiful. It’s got trees, skyscrapers, statues, greenspace, bike lanes, shops and street vendors, everything you want to see in the big city. There’s not a bum in sight, and they have people literally sweeping the sidewalks.

Everything is so accessible, too. Walk one way from your hotel and find the beautiful historic district, the Metropolitan Cathedral, and the Aztec ruins said cathedral is made from. Walking the other way leads to the Angel of Independence, Monument of the Revolution, and Chapultepec Park.

According to every tourist guide, this just about checks all the boxes. Every major tourist trap lies within ten square kilometers. Once you leave that area, it looks like Mexico, and I mean that in the most stereotypical way possible. Not that that’s a bad thing- it is still a pretty city.

Departing Reforma for the airport, it becomes easy to see why CDMX doesn’t get the same loving YouTube coverage that Medellin and Buenos Aires do. Especially if you take the metro, because you get to see some of the slummier zones from above. Getting from the train to the airport is confusing and sketchy and strange, and the airport itself is made of cinder blocks.

Surprise! Colombia Doesn’t Need Your Money

It’s amazing how well everything works in Colombia. El Dorado International Airport in Bogota is clean enough and safe enough that you can sleep on the floor. If you look out at the city you can see fresh skyscrapers being built, and they’re even putting in a subway. Medellin already has a metro, an innovative one, including this thing called a “metrocable.” It’s basically a ski lift that takes you into the mountain barrios. Medellin invented it, but now Mexico, Chile and Brazil are all using similar systems.

It’s clear that there’s major investment capital coming in, but everything works on the ground floor just as well. Every shop has extra in their cash register. I had no problem breaking large bills or making change like I did in other countries. Based on the state-of-the-art security systems I saw at every shop and street cart, it seems like everyone’s got money.

They’ve got money to the point that they can tell tourists to pound sand. Anti-tourism sentiment is on the rise in Colombia, and that scares off the gringo dollar. Most countries would be horrified to lose out on that income. Colombia is in a powerful position where they don’t have to care.

Unsurprising: Argentina is Out of Money

I realized how poor Argentina is as soon as I got there. I tried to get cash. It’s gone.

If you’re lucky enough to find an ATM, the maximum withdrawal is $20,000 ARS. That’s a little less than $20, plus you still have to pay about $7 US in related fees. It’s a moot point because the ATM is probably empty. I tried every ATM at the airport and couldn’t squeeze a dime out of any of them.

One guide suggested wiring myself some money via Western Union. No dice. The first three branches I found were shuttered. The one that was open couldn’t fulfill the order anyway. I wasn’t asking for much, just $100 to get by for a couple weeks. The lady seemed truly offended that I was trying to clean out her safe.

Inflation in Argentina has been out of control for years now. In 2023, they rolled out the $2,000 bill for the first time. In 2024, they rolled out the new $10,000 bill. They can’t print cash fast enough to meet demand. It seems to gravitate to the the black market, where people on the street are yell “Cambio! Cambio!” and make underhanded exchanges in the shadows.

As a result, most everyone takes credit cards, but not every restaurant is able to add a tip to your bill. That makes service staff the biggest losers of this inflation insanity, because you need cash to tip. If you can’t get cash, you can’t tip, and you’ll be doomed to wander Buenos Aires feeling like an asshole.

Here’s how to get cash in Argentina in 2024: bring it with you. I was able to trade my leftover Colombian cash at the airport branch of the National Bank, where the teller had to see my passport, boarding pass, return ticket, shoe size and blood type before making the trade. ATMs work across the river in Uruguay, so if you have to, you can swim over there and exchange on the ferry back. ■