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On August 11th, I’m taking a trip to ride motorcycles in the jungle. It’s going to be great. Leading up to that, I want to do short profiles on each country I’m visiting. I’ll go over what I find appealing there, how it works, and where I see them going in the future. Today, the obvious first stop,

MÉXICO

HISTORY

Americans think they’re such hot shit because their ancestors grabbed a bunch of guns and kicked out their colonial overlords. Actually, every country in the Americas did that except for Canada. The Americans did it first, and independence movements down south didn’t start until the Spanish Empire started running into trouble on its own.

Mexico began when a priest named Miguel Hidalgo rang his church bells, declaring that Mexico was no longer part of the Spanish Empire. Mexico’s war for independence had begun. Spain had just been conquered by Napoleon, so fighting a giant war overseas was looking like a bad idea. The Spanish military retreated, but not before executing Hidalgo.

Unlike the United States, Mexico didn’t have a plan after kicking the Spanish out. There were several years of lawlessness until they basically gave up and asked Europe to send over a new monarch. Nobody wanted the job, so local Agustín de Iterbide became the first Emperor of Mexico, and the United States became the first to recognize the young nation’s independence. Iterbide was overthrown a year later and it was back to chaos.

In the 1820s, Spain came back to reconquer, and failed. Then France came to give it a try, and also failed. Responsible for both victories was a general named Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, who became the 8th President of Mexico and actually managed to bring some stability to the ailing new country.

Santa Anna’s main goal was to stabilize the northern reaches of the country, and he did this by encouraging immigration from the United States (my, how times change). A lot of white settlers moved into the virgin lands of Texas. Unfortunately, they wanted to bring their Protestant religions and their slaves along, both of which were illegal in Mexico. So tensions rose between the North and Mexico City even further. Unable to complete his goals of developing those lands, Santa Anna threw out the constitution and gave himself the power to get work done without that pesky Rule of Law in the way. This made a lot of people angry. Texas, Rio Grande, and Yucatan all broke off into new republics and civil war popped off everywhere. Then, the United States went ahead and invaded from the north. The Mexican-American war went on from 1846-1848, after which the United States became the proud owners of Texas, California, and most everything in between.

Santa Anna was deposed in 1855, and Mexico became a battleground between liberal and conservative forces. The liberal Republic of Mexico came together with Benito Juárez at the helm. Catholic conservatives didn’t like it and invited the French to invade. The French won this time and installed a new European monarch, so Juárez and his Republic went on the run. Part of this conflict includes the famous cinco de mayo battle, where French forces repeatedly failed to capture the city of Puebla. The American Civil War ended in 1965 and the reunited US government started sending support to the Mexican Republic. The French withdrew after a couple more years, and the monarch they installed was deposed and executed. Benito Juárez was victorious and ruled Mexico until his natural death in 1872.

Then, it was back to chaos. A new civil war broke out in 1910. Reading about this period of history is a headache. This guy deposed this guy, then the first guy came back with a coup d’etat and killed that guy, but then he too was deposed and died fleeing the city… you get the picture. In the middle of all this, the Mexican Army wandered into US territory and dragged them into the mess. The US sent troops to the border and tensions escalated again. The US pulled those troops when it entered World War I in 1917. Germany tried to goad Mexico into starting a war with the US, but Mexico didn’t take the bait. They were warred out.

That whole ordeal ended when Alvaro Obregon was elected President in 1920. In an effort to bring order to Mexico, he instituted a single party called the PRI, which incorporated labor unions, workers, government officers… nationalized the industrial sector… appointed his own successor… oh no. I see where this is going. They didn’t call themselves socialists, because they never do, but a hammer and sickle by any other name will still starve you to death.

It was a slow march downhill during the PRI’s 70-year rule. Violence was high, government suppression of media and free speech was commonplace, the army massacred between 300-800 college students in 1968, this is about when cartels started showing up and wrecking up the place. Social inequality got worse and worse and worse. Who could have seen that coming?

After fumbling the peso in a very serious way, the PRI folded in 2000 and other political parties were allowed into Mexican politics. The United States organized a $50 billion (about $90 billion today) bailout for the crashing economy. Things stopped getting worse for a while, but Mexico hasn’t seen much improvement, either. Cartels still run rampant, narcotrafficking and government corruption is still widespread, and Mexico remains one of the most dangerous countries in the world.

GOVERNMENT

The current president of Mexico is Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, commonly known as AMLO. He seems alright. His term ends this October, and his successor, Paula Sheinbaum, is just another filthy communist. None of this matters, because everyone knows Mexico is run by cartels. A country run by gangs would never fly in the “international community,” so the gangs set up power of attorney through the Mexican government just to give this chunk of land some legitimacy. AMLO himself ran on a platform of reducing government corruption. Hardy har har.

The people of Mexico have zero respect for the government, but they won’t cross the cartels. If Juanito Law catches up to you, there’s always an easy way out, if you catch my drift. If you make enemies with the Jalisco New Generation Cartel, you might just find your head buried in the woods while they gnaw on your legs. Mexico has all the modern magic of the 21st century, but they still live by the old rules.

CRIME AND SAFETY

The U.S.-Mexico border is a warzone. Cities like Tijuana and Juarez are so hostile to human life that they may as well be nuclear fallout zones. Mexico holds the top 7 spots ranking cities by homicide rate. New Orleans breaks their streak and then they have 2 more. The Global Peace Index ranks Mexico as the 28th most dangerous country in the world, five spots deadlier than the United States. Just get a load of this map right here:

Lucky me, I’ll be sequestered to that section of blue right in the middle towards the bottom. It’s what gringos call Mexico City. Actually, it’s not a little place, Cuidad de Mexico is most populous city in North America. It beats out New York by about 800,000 people.

Mexico is a big place. Those top 7 cities offset the mean with an shocking average murder rate of 130.79 homicides per 100,000 people. Mexico City boasts the low, low rate of 9.96/100,000. That puts it roughly on par with Miami and Salt Lake City.

WHY I’M GOING TO MEXICO

Mexico is the least appealing country on my list. I paid extra for my exit flight just in case it’s awful and I need to slip quietly away. Not that I have anything against Mexico, I actually really like Mexican culture. It’s just not new to me. I grew up around Mexicans and I’ve been there before. I’m already confident it’s not somewhere I would live.

This trip isn’t about me, selfish bastard that I am. It’s about YOU- John Q. Spudreader, the miserable American who’s packing his things and wondering which language to learn. I would be remiss to skip over Mexico because it’s the #1 destination for American expats. 1.8 million American citizens live full-time in Mexico. Why? Because it’s cheap and easy and close. It’s like moving out of mom’s basement and getting an apartment down the block. You can still come home to do laundry and beg for cash.

It’s pretty easy for Americans to get in. If you make $4000 a month, you’ve got a visa. $4000 goes a hell of a long way down there. If you keep up on your visas for 9 years, you have the option to naturalize into a citizen. Easy peasy. Plus, you get a lot of personal freedom because the government is imaginary. This deal has become so popular that the Mexican people are just about sick of Yankee immigrants.

We in Idaho are very familiar with what happens when swarms of Californians descend like hipster locusts upon our neighborhoods. They devour the housing market and jack up the prices. It gets harder to drive anywhere as the insects block up traffic. Worst of all, they taint our Idaho culture with them gah-damn librull politics. Go back to California, you rotten hippies! Well, this is exactly what’s happening in Mexico when American expats show up with suitcases full of hubris.

Traveling Spud Style: When you visit a different country, you are a guest. The United States is not as respected internationally as it used to be. Your little blue book doesn’t strike awe and wonder into the souls of customs agents anymore. Mind your manners. Say please and thank you. Have some humility, for Chrissakes.

I’ll be there investigating the expat situation and growing “gringo hate,” but I may as well have a good time, right? Mexico City is built on the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan, so there are a lot of ruins and historical sites I’d like to see. I love architecture so I’ll check out Palacio de Bellas Artes, Chapultepec Castle, and a cathedral or two. I’d also like to see a bullfight, since they still do that down there. Yes, I’m supporting animal cruelty. Spare me the finger waggling. The Jalisco New Generation Cartel eats people. Life means nothing in some parts of the world.

A friend of mine with a degree in linguistics says that they speak very slowly in Mexico. This offers a handy pair of training wheels for learning Spanish. Estuve practicando mi español, and I’ve already gotten the accent down by watching Speedy Gonzales. I should have a handle on things by the time I get to Colombia. Then I can go to Argentina and throw all my new knowledge in the trash. I believe they have bins at the airport for that: depositás vos conocimientos de idioma acá.

CONCLUSION

The Land of Tacos has been around for over 200 years but can’t seem to get a functioning government together. Americans like to move there because it’s cheap, easy, and close. Mexicans are sick of Americans driving up prices and acting a fool all over the place. There is plenty of fun stuff to do, like bullfights and church. Viva México. ■