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On August 11th, I’ll be taking a month long trip to ride motorcycles in the jungle. It’s going to be great. Leading up to that, I’ll be writing brief profiles on the countries I’ll be visiting. First on the list, the nation I was born and raised in,

The United States of America.

History

The United States was invented in 1776, when George Washington flew across the Delaware on a bald eagle and fired a musket ball right up King George’s rectum. After getting rid of taxes forever, the government put a tax on whiskey. The resulting rebellion was quickly squashed by more soldiers than Washington had used in the Revolution, and that’s more or less been the story ever since.

Government

As a representative democracy, the United States depends on the participation of its citizenry. Americans over the age of 18 are allowed, and encouraged, to vote for representative leaders. These votes are ripped to shreds by a little gremlin inside the ballot box and resold as confetti. After that, government officials are selected by lobbyists and gangsters.

These elected officials generally fall into one of two political parties: Republicans and Democrats. Both parties campaign on bilking as much money from you as they can, but they differ on how it is spent. Republicans prefer to set it all on fire. Democrats would rather dump it into the sea. The most common election strategy is to post plastic signs by the freeway. The more ambitious politicians will take out television ads so they can lie directly to your big fat face.

The lawmaking process has plenty of checks and balances to protect the people from government corruption. First, congressmen and senators join together in the Capitol building and sit on their hands. Just as reptiles can’t move without sunlight, politicians can’t function without public attention, so they remain completely motionless all day long. It’s very strange. Second, a mysterious figure in a trench coat slips a piece of paper under the President’s door. Third, the President signs that paper into law.

The current President is Donald Trump, the 45th to hold the office. For reasons unknown, some old lunatic has been sitting in his chair for the last four years.

Crime and Safety

No nation can function without a proper justice system, and in the United States, every citizen is entitled to a fair and swift trial unless they oppose the government. One of the highest criminal offenses in this country is to walk angrily through the sacred halls of the Capitol building. Rioting, shoplifting and rape often carry the lightest sentences. Many famous US cities, like New Orleans, Baltimore and Oakland, rank as some of the most dangerous in the world. There are entire communities where you should never visit after dark, and whole neighborhoods that you should never visit if you’re white. It truly is a melting pot of multiculturalism.

Culture

America’s favorite pastime is to watch advertisements. The most popular advertisements involve millionaires throwing balls at each other. You can watch these ads in person, but most prefer to watch them on television at the local bar, where there are ad breaks between ads and neon ads hanging on the wall.

Pop music in the United States falls into two categories: unintelligible mumbling over an AI generated beat track, and sad songs to play as you blow your brains out.

The film industry was once a glowing beacon of culture around the globe, but today they just reuse ideas of bygone geniuses. Hollywood hasn’t released an original title since 2007. Everything since has been a remake of Star Wars or Iron Man.

If mainstream art isn’t your thing, you might find what you’re looking for in your local underground. These creative communities are made up of trust-fund kids who have made a lifestyle out of resisting authority- they do this by doing everything the government says. Love and acceptance are the highest virtues for these people, so if you’re not vaccinated, a socialist, or a fan of Blink-182, they will chase you away with tomahawks and daggers.

It takes a winch and a crowbar to get people off of the couch, so most communication is done in the form of stale memes. Even dating takes place primarily through a cell phone, and if you don’t like it, you resign yourself to a lonely life of watching porn in the dark. The most common dating practice is to cuddle up on the couch and watch ads for hours at a time. This eventually leads to marriage, which in the US, is a government contract which guarantees a woman’s right to take half her husband’s stuff.

Architecture in the United States, with the exception of Chicago, sucks balls. Cities are mostly designed in Strip Mall Classic style, while suburbs are designed by blind robots. Nothing screams American Individualism like the platitudinous grids of identical homes stretching out as far as the eye can see. The latest trend in American architecture is the colorful and affordable “tent city” style, which is commonly seen on urban sidewalks.

To many outsiders, the most alien part of American culture is our love of guns. This country was founded on using guns to kick out the King, and as such, the right to bear arms is guaranteed by the Constitution. This is why there are over 350 million guns privately owned in the United States- we have more guns than people! Americans will never turn in their guns, because the whole idea is to overthrow the government with them. They haven’t done it yet. They must be waiting until things get really, REALLY, super-duper bad.

Conclusion

The United States is a country. 6/10. ■