The Shot Heard ‘Round The World Redux
On Saturday, the whole nation almost watched Donald Trump’s gray matter splash across Pennsylvania. The bullet missed his cranium by a cunt hair and ripped through his ear. He stood up with a bloody face and a proudly raised fist. This could easily be the most iconic image of the year.
The metaphor is already done to death, but folks, we’ve got our modern day Theodore Roosevelt right here. Teddy got shot, and it was the notebook in his breast pocket that saved his life. With a bullet lodged in his chest, he stood there and finished his speech, then he ad-libbed until he was woozy from blood loss. In a similar act of defiance, Donald Trump stood up and made a point to pump that fist in the air, sending the message to the entire world the they didn’t get him and he’s not scared.
People can’t help but see a major political event like this and go straight to the conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories are fun, sure, but we need to remember Occam’s razor at all times: the solution with the least amount of explanation is probably correct. It’s possible that Trump bent over and smeared red paint on his ear, but now you have to explain the two guys in the audience that will never breathe oxygen again. Did Trump’s contacts shoot them in the face just to sell it? Was the dead kid on the roof with the gun just a plant as well? Did the Trump Campaign sacrifice three lives for an act, even though everyone knew he was going to win anyway? It’s also more likely that a lonely kid wanted attention so he went after the highest profile target possible. That’s what all mass-shooters do.
Here’s a simple explanation: Secret Service dropped the ball. Agents encountered the shooter three times before he fired his gun. Secret Service chose not to post anyone on top of the building the shooter fired from because the sloped roof “posed a safety hazard.” Members of the audience had pointed out the guy on the roof with a gun multiple times and police did nothing. Now, we can get nutty with our conspiracies. Was it just incompetence? Or did they deliberately leave a hole open?
The simplest explanation is stupidity. Government agencies have a long history of being pants-on-head retarded. However, it was the government who raided Trumps home in Florida. It was the government that charged him for banging a porn star. It’s the government that keeps bringing endless criminal charges that everyone knows are bogus. If slander, impeachments, indictments, and convictions from the powers-that-be can’t put a dent in his popularity, then the most extreme measures might logically follow.
There are a lot of people I’d gleefully push into a volcano, among them are the journalists at CNN. Their words drip with so much dishonesty that they melt the pavement wherever they walk. Minutes after gunfire tore through two innocent Americans, they ran the headline that Trump “fell down.” Later, as the brains were being mopped up, it was amended to “injured in incident.” A day later, they finally called it an attempted assassination, covering their tracks with edits and rhetoric. The Internet is forever, thank God, so we can expose these vile slugs for ignoring murder in favor of a narrative.
VIPERHAWK: WITNESS PROTECTION
A hilarious sci-fi adventure! Miguel Murillo is a smuggler for the Irish mob, and if these witnesses don’t get to a distant planet on time then there will be war…
Argentina Wins Copa America
Soccer is my new favorite way to get drunk. I called off of work so I could watch the Copa America finals, and I heard about a great soccer bar downtown to watch the game at. Downtown is expensive, so we pre-gamed for a bit at my local dive before heading over. Then they delayed the game for an hour and half because people kept breaking into the stadium, so we were drinking city-priced whiskey for an extra hour anyway.
A friend of mine was actually down in Miami and saw the carnage firsthand. She won a Foosball tournament or something and got tickets to the last two games, and she’s been converted to soccer fanhood just as I have. It’s a brutal sport with the craziest fans in the world. She’s got videos of these lunatics climbing over fences and rushing through security checkpoints for fun. My favorites is these dudes literally crawling through air vents to get into the game (not her video).
Soccer fans are renegades who break laws and set things on fire, but soccer players are big boobs who pout and whine. It didn’t take long for Lionel Messi to smash his ankle to bits and get pulled from the game. I get that it’s an emotional moment for him to not finish this huge tournament, but watching a 37-year-old man belt out those BOO-HOO-HOO sobs because he can’t play is just pathetic. Rodrigo De Paul, on the other hand, was tons of fun to watch. He never failed to get right back up on his feet with a smile because he ain’t a little weenie.
The game went into the second half of extra time and Argentina finally slipped the ball in. The bar crowd in Boise went into a frenzy. The crowd in Buenos Aires became a stampede. Get a load of these hordes of sports fans swarming el Obelisco in the wee hours of the morn. What a fun sport this is.
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Hot Chick of the Week- Tini Stoessel
Martina Stoessel is an Argentine actress and pop star, and the most recent flame of our perpetually single new friend, Rodrigo De Paul. They split up about six months ago.
Album Pick- Avalancha by Heroes del Silencio
I’m still on my Spanish rock kick, so here’s a gem from 1995. These guys were one of Spain’s biggest acts in the late 80s, and you can tell that there’s a lot of hair metal influence here. Sappy lyrics, long power ballads, everything we love here at Spud Underground. Check out the title track below.
Stay Dangerous, My Friends ■
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