I watch my politics with the blinds drawn, the lights dim. It’s a guilty pleasure. I hide it from the prying eyes of the public as much as I can. If you take politics too seriously in America, you’re seen as a square. At the same time, we’re all very concerned with the direction our country is going. That’s why we all do it in secret with our pants at our ankles. It’s disgusting, and we must hide our shame.
It was under cover of darkness that I watched the Presidential debate last week. I’ve never watched one of those before. Maybe it was a false hope that a felon pussy hound running against a dementia patient would be a hilarious way to enjoy the decline. I should have known better. Instead, it was the usual routine of one guy spewing predictable lines and the other guy spewing saliva on his podium.
I cracked open my first beer and pushed PLAY at 11:25 pm. Two vaguely familiar wax sculptures explained the rules of the debate, and then the top contenders for the most powerful job in the world ambled to their microphones. It started out fairly enjoyable, watching Biden trip over his words like he was dancing on marbles. You could drop the needle anywhere and see the old bat melting under the heat of the lights and the weight of his own confusion. It was funny at first, but making fun of Joe Biden for too long makes one’s tummy ache with guilt.
Trump, meanwhile, stuttered exactly zero times. He laid out his master plan for after he takes office, and it was generic milquetoast babble. It was so easy to eviscerate that dinosaur that Trump looked about as bored as I was. I’m getting bored writing about it, so I’ll skip ahead to the fun stuff.
According to my notes, I opened my second beer at 12:05 am. I had no notes until 12:30, where I completely checked out of the debate to scroll through Instagram. I tuned back in at 12:47, and Jesus fucking Christ, they’re arguing about GOLF!
Finally! That’s the kind of cynical amusement I was after. I was worried for a minute that my excitement for this election was a false alarm. Most people get upset that the two contenders for the most powerful job in the world are bashing each other’s backswings, but not me. I think it’s hilarious and wonderful. American culture is all about not taking politics seriously, and it does my heart good to see a political debate go completely off topic like that.
Of course we don’t take government seriously- have you ever looked at it? Every government office is infested with the worst humanity has to offer. I don’t just mean the politicians. The staff, the clerks, the janitors; they’re all parasites who suck off your paycheck so they can do meaningless office work until quittin’ time- and not a moment after. They live like paperweights, existing for nothing other than being in the way of people who actually want to get stuff done.
You can’t escape the Government’s looming shadow, but true Americans get stuff done anyway. We focus on the exciting stuff and cut corners on the rest. We recognize the importance of “the rules,” but we don’t take them seriously. We’ve all lied to the bank to get a better loan. We’ve all skipped a thing or two on our taxes. We’ve all had sex with someone we rather the world didn’t know about. These are the most exciting parts of getting ahead. Trump gets persecuted for them because he scares bureaucrats. Their lives revolve around “the rules.” If the guy in charge brings that classic American disregard back to the forefront, well, I hope to see a lot of empty cubicles in the near future.
America can only die by being bored to death. Exciting people who create things are leaving- the mass exodus of entrepreneurs from this country is terrifying and I won’t shut up about it until everyone knows (1,330 covered expatriates in 2024 so far). This leaves the American public, who are getting more and more boring every year. It takes a crowbar and a winch to get most of my friends away from the TV. Meanwhile, the boring tumor of government spreads further every day. I don’t see Trump rescuing us from this certain demise in the long run. He’s only got 4 years of power left and there are no successors on the horizon. We need exciting leaders more than ever- are there any left?
Unless Trump decides to… you know… that thing I can’t say aloud without getting 25 years in prison. Boy, that would be exciting.
Stay Dangerous, My Friends
-RJ
VIPERHAWK: WITNESS PROTECTION
A hilarious sci-fi adventure! Miguel Murillo is a smuggler for the Irish mob, and if these witnesses don’t get to a distant planet on time then there will be war…
HOT CHICK OF THE WEEK
This beautiful green-thumb has a very educational channel on gardening and lawn care, yet for some reason, I have yet to learn anything about plants.
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ALBUM OF THE WEEK
Angel Dust by Faith No More (Reprise, 1992)
This album starts right off with and intro that sounds like being flushed down a toilet. After that, it’s got the weird bass line that made Faith No More famous, then the brilliant vocals that made Mike Patton famous. This 1992 album is loaded with bangers and would go on to be Faith No More’s best-selling album, yet somehow is less recognizable than their big winner The Real Thing. That’s a clear sign that the masses don’t know art when they see it. As luck would have it, the band splintered like balsa wood not longer after it’s release. Why is it that bands always do their best work at the cusp of dissolution? Ah, the arts. Anyway, it’s an amazing album named after a gnarly drug. I once had some dirty molly laced with the stuff. 0 out of 5 stars, would not snort again. The cover features a radioactive duck, which makes one ponder the death of nature at the hands of man. ■
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