Spud media

Former President Donald Trump has been convicted of 34 felony counts of… something? Even if you didn’t watch the trial, you’d have to be an idiot to think that this is anything other than the Empire squashing their biggest political opponent. All you need to know is that Biden was never convicted of poisoning Americans with COVID vaccines, Obama was never convicted of drone strikes, Bush was never convicted of starting wars on phony pretenses, Clinton was never convicted of perjury, Nixon was never convicted for anything related to Watergate, etcetera etcetera, all the way back to 1789. Misuse of a government penis is the crime that makes Donald Trump the first ex-President to be convicted of a felony? Give me a break.

I don’t want to live in an America where a billionaire can’t fuck a porn star and pay to keep her mouth shut. There goes the American Dream, as far as I’m concerned. What’s the point of being a success if you don’t get to have any fun?

That kind of behavior is exactly what made America so great in the first place. The gumption it takes to pay hush money to a porn star is the same gumption that it takes to start a business; to look at a 12:1 failure rate and tell the odds to suck your dick. This kind of arrogance made Motley Crüe party like animals and sell millions of records. This kind of audacity had Wade Boggs crush 73 beers on a cross-country flight and pitch a no-hitter. It’s why Lewis and Clark crossed the plains, Niel Armstrong went to the moon, and Henry Ford revolutionized industry. Why? Because they were American, damn it! Behind every American hero is that bold, brash attitude that annoys the hell out of every other country.

They should be annoyed! The United States of America boasts some of the lowest education scores in the developed world, yet we have the most Nobel Prize winners. We’re known for our obesity, yet have the most Olympic gold medals. We drive on the right side of the road. We play football with our hands. We’re the Fahrenheit scale in a Celsius world, a global enigma who’s culture still dominates to the point where everyone is watching Donald Trump get convicted of being rich and popular.

To despise a rich man for getting laid is the shallowest form of envy, and to convict him is an act of war against America’s God-given conceit. I hope that the American public collectively gives these people the finger. The general reaction to this bogus conviction will be the real test of if that Manifest Destiny spirit is still alive.

I’m not a fan of Donald Trump. I don’t care for his policies. His first term was a big waste of time, he didn’t do anything he said he was going to do (which is to be expected of all politicians), and I still blame him for the COVID lockdowns. Criminalizing him for living the secret fantasy of every American male has changed my mind. I want him back in office just to prove that America is still arrogant. I don’t even care if he does a good job. The Empire implied that success, power, money and sex are the pursuits of wrongdoers, and I want to twist the knife in their side for that.

A Trump re-election would be the ultimate American comeback. What could be more ostentatious, egregious, impolite, brazen, more American, than to put a convicted felon into the highest bureaucracy of the land? ■