Are you guilty of telling an off-color joke, passing remarks about the LGBTQ+ community, voting for Donald Trump, or raping a baby? All of these crimes are equally severe, so you may find yourself ostracized from the polite and welcoming arms of the music and arts community. That’s OK, you might be surprised how many opportunities come up.
1. Say the N Word
Go ahead, you’ve earned it this once.
2. Make New Friends
If you’ve lost all your friends because of your bigoted ways, you may as well hang out with bigots. Idaho is jam-packed with hate groups for you to join, such as Clan 31, The Republican Party, and the Meridian Racists’ Chess Club (Motto: White moves first!). Check the SPLC’s Hate Group map for local chapters near you.
3. Drink! Like, a lot
Alcohol is the only friend who will never sell you out for personal gain. Alcohol never lied to anybody, stabbed anybody in the back, or spread any rumors. Alcohol loves you for who you are and will never let you down.
4. Contact Your Favorite Canceled Person
Thanks to the Internet, you can get in contact with pretty much anybody regardless of your social status. Reach out to your favorite pariah and say hello! I’m sure Andrew Tate would love to hear from you since you’re his equal now.
5. Apologize Forever
No amount of groveling will ever correct what you have done. You’ll have to sell all of your possessions and dedicate your life to sucking the dick of the public. You’ll be a monk of shame; never quite accepted, yet not entirely outcast.
6. Find some new hobbies
If nobody wants to see your band anymore, you’ll have to find some other creative outlet. Try crochet, backgammon, podcasting, or interpretive cross burning.
7. Move to a Racist Country
Just move somewhere that lines up with your views! For example: anywhere outside of the West.
8. Organize a Protest
Domestic terrorism is sooooo 1990s. These days, the best way to get everybody to know and pity you is to organize a peaceful protest where you can go whine in public. Film it for the ‘Gram.
9. Go On a Killing Spree
Maybe you are such a 90’s kid that you know Timothy McVeigh as well as Kurt Cobain. If everybody hates you already, well, give something to really chew on! You could do something insane and memorable like the Killdozer, or you could do the lazy 21st century thing and shoot up a preschool. Just make sure to leave a poorly written 80,000 word manifesto.
10. Kill Yourself
On second thought, why should you make your problem the world’s problem? Nobody is going to read your stupid manifesto anyway. Alas, life without the acceptance and love of strangers isn’t worth living. May as well get the whole thing over with now. ■
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