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My, what a wonderful time we’ve had this evening here at Spud’s Tavern. After having a few drinks and calming down, I’ve figured out how to articulate just why bars matter.

We are very hierarchical creatures, which means status is a very important thing in our day-to-day interactions. Naturally, we’d have a fear of interacting with other people in a way that makes us seem awkward or off-putting. The fear of not being liked equates to the fear of being low on the totem pole. You could call this social anxiety if you like. I don’t like the term.

Obviously, this is the lizard brain talking. Nobody is never awkward, and it’s really not that big of a deal. Still, that concern creeps into our minds. Even more so, if, God forbid, you talk to the opposite sex. That’s a real doozy for the lizard brain, because rejection from them means that your genes aren’t worth passing on.

Alcohol, as far as I know, is the only drug that really squashes that fear. Get a few drinks in you, and you don’t even care how the world perceives you. It’s got its downsides in terms of motor function and memory, so obviously you can’t (in good health) drink it every day before you go to work, but for a fun time around people you might not know that well, it’s the perfect cure for the lizard brain’s fear of rejection.

A tavern is the only place in the world where anyone can go for the sole purpose of noncommittal socializing. You could socialize at a chess club, but that requires everybody involved to be interested in chess. Socializing at church requires a shared belief. Socializing at work requires a shared goal, etcetera. In these cases, the shared interest works as a buffer against that irrational fear.

At a bar, the chess enthusiast, church-goer, and professional are all on the same level. They can all socialize together and share their unique interests with each other. You can talk to people you would never meet otherwise, and learn new things you would have never thought about on your own. You learn about the world vicariously, through the lens of other people’s experiences. This time, alcohol is the buffer.

The bar is the only social setting where the only prerequisite for entry is the desire for human connection; a place where everyone knows your name. Sure, playing pool is an option, but that’s not really why you’re there. You’re there to socialize. If you weren’t, you’d buy booze for your house for far cheaper and drink it alone. Alcohol, the substance that kick-started civilization, only acts to remove social anxiety from the equation and put us all on an even playing field. Drinking, by the way, is optional.You can always get a tonic water or something.

That’s why bars are so interesting and special. Why can’t we all get along and just let people enjoy them? Here, let me buy you a shot. L’chaim!

You pay your tab, tip your bartender, and wave goodbye to the gang. They give you the finger in return, those rascals. You step outside into the warm summer air and stumble merrily home. Thanks for coming out, it was great to see ya, have a good night!