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The foreskin: Darth Vader’s fleshy little turtleneck sweater. It’s a sleeve of rubbery skin that gives your rod that sleek anteater look while protecting your sensitive bellend from the abrasive inside of your tighty-whiteys. What’s that? You don’t have one? Darth Vader is poking up like a meerkat and singing in the wind? You’re not alone- 51.6% of American’s have had their foreskin removed.

This barbaric surgery, called circumcision, is the world’s oldest planned medical procedure and dates back way before recorded history. Scholars believe that it originated as a hygiene thing, as nomadic desert tribes would have a hard time keeping sand out of there. The practice is still used for religious reasons, and sometimes as a rite of passage. For instance, the Bukusu tribe in Kenya has a ritual in which teenagers have to brave their circumcision without flinching in order to become men. So many boys die from botch-jobs that this ritual has received a lot of international criticism, but the boys are proud and would rather die a warrior than go to a hospital.

Circumcision has always had its critics. Genghis Khan outlawed it when he conquered the Arab world. Alexander the Great did the same when he conquered the Levant- more on the Greek love of foreskins in a moment. Today, the practice is on a steep decline and only 3% of men worldwide boast an exposed pencil eraser. This is partially thanks to “intactivist” groups like the National Organization of Restoring Men (NORM), partially thanks to stuff like soap and medicine making it medically unnecessary.

You see, what they might not have told you before ripping the lid off is that is makes sex less good. The foreskin contains a mucosal lining that gives a little extra lubrication when doing the deed. The skin of a circumcised helmet becomes karatinized and less sensitive when it’s exposed like that. That’s right, the best thing in the world could be a lot better- and you’re missing out! Lucky for you, the ancient Greeks figured out how to correct this damage done to your dong.

In ancient Greece, the foreskin was the mark of a man. A longer the foreskin, the more virile a man was said to be. Greeks weren’t considered “nude” unless the glans was exposed, so dudes would walk around letting it all hang out. They used to perform sporting events butt-naked, and they would tie the end shut with a string called a kenodesme. They loved that penile appendix so much that conquered tribes who didn’t have one were considered second-class citizens. Even if conquered Jews converted to the Greek religion and learned the language, they’d still be seen as lesser without that precious, pointy prepuce. So, the process of epispasm was born.

EPISPASM

Shaft skin isn’t like normal skin. It’s very stretchy. It needs to stretch to say, 4-5 times its flaccid length, and snap back to normal like a rubber band. If it doesn’t stretch out regularly, the skin becomes rigid and leads to shrinkage. That’s because those specialized skin cells need to have mitosis stimulated in order to regrow. The ancients didn’t understand the cellular science behind it, but they did observe their boners long enough to learn that if you regularly stretch your tool, you get more skin. Eventually, that skin will eventually stretch over the tip. If you’re dedicated enough, you could have a brand monkey-spankin’ new foreskin in a few short years!

Here’s how it works:

1. Make the OK symbol with one hand and grip the base of your shaft. You’re probably used to this already, you wanker.
2. With your other hand, make the same OK symbol and place it around the shaft, just above your other hand.
3. Lightly squeeze with your upper hand and pull the shaft skin upwards, towards the bell.
4. At the bell, hold the skin until you feel the tug. Hold it there for 2-3 seconds at a time. This shouldn’t hurt! If it does, let up on the pressure.
5. Repeat this process for an hour each day for 2-4 years.

TAPE IT SHUT

Once you’ve got enough loose skin to work with, stuff that gopher into his hole and tape the end shut. Yes, literally! The constant pressure of Peter trying to pop out will gently stretch out the skin right on the end where it needs to be stretched. Tape it shut, put your pants on, and get back to life!

MODERN TECHNOLOGY

Even today, surgery is not really an option. Surgical foreskin reconstruction has a five-figure price tag, high risk of complication, and doesn’t look very natural. Foreskin needs to be made of the same skin as the rest of the rooster, or it won’t peel back when you get hard. They tend to use scrotum skin for that, and that’s a NO THANKS from me. There are experiments being done with lab-grown foreskins, but this is still in early trial mode, and finding guinea pigs for that has proven to be a tough sell.

Still, this is the future, and we have technology that works on the time-tested epispasm procedure that ancient Jewish-Greeks would be jealous of. All of these are available on amazon.com for shockingly cheap.

1. Suction cups

This space-age option uses the power of suction to pull your skin into a rubber cone, and a torsioner to pull do all the tugging for you. These range in price from $40-$150, and are a convenient hands-free option for when your sitting around the house.

• T-Tape

This low-tech option involves taping the skin right behind the shaft and tying it to your leg. It pulls the skin forward and lets it stretch, and you can leave it there as long as you like. It’s cost effective and concealable under your trousers! You can leave it tied while you go to work, and nobody will ever know you’ve tied your dick to you knee! You can buy t-tape from any first-aid vendor for $10-$20.

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR

Epispasm can stretch the dick skin into a close facsimile of nature’s perfection. I’d say God’s perfection, but cutting it off was His idea in the first place. Some specialized nerves in a natural foreskin are gone forever and can’t be restored. The natural mucosal lining is also a lost cause. Restored foreskin is thicker than the original, too. Based on images that I don’t dare republish, a restored penis looks less like a delicious cigar and more like a bratwurst in a wool sock. Sometimes the elastic in the sock has gone out and the neo-foreskin hangs off the end like a yawning eel. It’s not exactly something you want to whip out for the girl of your dreams.

This is where the knife could still come in handy. A surgeon could cut into your new meat sleeve and remove a chunk to close it around the end, giving it that tapered look. This denouement to your epispasm journey will leave a scar but has a high success rate when compared to the scrotum-to-foreskin graft.

Do you want more information about foreskin restoration? Are you so hopped up with foreskin passion that you want to do something about it? Well, wouldn’t ya know it, NORM has a Boise chapter! Check out their website www.norm.org for more information. ■