Spud media

My Instagram page is probably something I should be ashamed of. Every third post is some e-girl that I’ll never meet doing something insipid in a revealing blouse. For some reason, the Instagram e-girl market is saturated with content related to video games and anime, two of the least sexy things in the world, and my neomanic caveman brain has had enough. I was ready to declare, as Phillip J. Fry did in Futurama, “Thanks to the internet, I am now bored of sex.”

Then Ana Moll appeared on my Instagram feed like Kelly LeBrock caressing my door jamb. She’s got her hair teased up to the rafters. She’s got sequins on her leather and lace on her denim. Fire-engine lipstick and gothic eyeliner. She brings the unapologetic sex appeal of the 1980’s to life so perfectly that it’s like the last 40 years never happened.

I hereby declare Ana Moll the Sexiest Woman Alive.

Her photos capture the spirit of the past remarkably well, whether it’s a professional shoot with Sebastian Bach posters or grainy street Polaroids. She’s got a huge collection of band stuff from Ratt to Guns n’ Roses that she likes to show off. She can lip-sync all the hits. Oh yeah, she also lives on the Sunset Strip and has three singles out. She’s not some model doing a rock n’ roll “thing,” she’s actually living the lifestyle. That’s why she can capture the aesthetic so effortlessly.

I fell in love with her style and had to check out the tunes. Ana’s voice is hot as hell, but the music is kind of a mixed bag. Her first single, She’s All Alone Now, sounds a little too much like the label-manufactured junk pop of Pat Benetar or Cyndi Lauper. Desperate Eyes and Making Tapes go much harder and touch on chick rockers that I can get behind, like Lita Ford or Doro Pesch of Warlock. That’s all she’s got so far, and if this pattern is an indication of heavier music to come, sign me up. I’m hoping she starts putting out vinyls with posters in the liner notes.

I embraced my new 80’s e-girl kink and tumbled down the rabbit hole. I’ve listed a few other 80’s renaissance models at the end of the article. Among them you’ll find The Metal Maidens, a group of gals who pose as early thrash groupies. There’s Lauren DeLorean, who likes to cosplay all of your favorite John Hughes and James Cameron characters. Hashtags like #80saesthetic, #80svintage, and #80sfashion exist, but are mostly snapshots of the past rather than modern girls creating new content. Ana Moll corners the market with an astounding 100,000 followers, happens to be followed by everyone on my list, and has the potential to make 80’s revival a very real fashion trend.

Someone needs to get this girl a clothing line, and fast. She reminds us that there was a time when being sexy took work and was something to be proud of. There was a prestige in being a star model who dated rock stars and dropped jaws wherever she went. If any chick with C-cups or greater can stream a video game and be a sensation, then the magic of the supermodel is lost. What good are the Tawny Kitaens and Sara Jean Underwoods of the world if all of your coworkers have an OnlyFans page?

I’m trying to paint this as a net gain for society. Truth is, I’m tried of dating cougars just to have a girl who likes my playlists.

@ana.molls

@taniaaa.15

@glitterwave80s

@themetalmaidens

@lauren_delorean