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COUNTER-CULTURE ■ PHILOSOPHY ■ ADVENTURE

The collected works of RJ Jenson

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Which Addicts are Most Annoying?

Which drug users get on our nerves the most? From Spud Underground vol. 1 iss. 9, December 2022

RJ Jenson
1–2 minutes
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One vice that everyone has is feeling superior to everyone else. This goes to a whole new level when it comes to what people put into their body. Using Spud Technologies™ new Conceit-O-Meter (patent pending), we’ve analyzed the levels of self-absorption of various addicts to determine which are the most insufferable.

One vice that everyone has is feeling superior to everyone else. This goes to a whole new level when it comes to what people put into their body. Using Spud Technologies™ new Conceit-O-Meter (patent pending), we’ve analyzed the levels of self-absorption of various addicts to determine which are the most insufferable. Junkies: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 6% (Cockroach) “I know I’m a piece of human shit, but I feel so much bliss that I kinda just run with it, man.” Tweakers: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 11% (Lost Puppy) “It doesn’t affect my personality at all. Did you see this cool stuff I found in the trash? Life moves to slow when I’m not high. I’ve got a lot to do. Check out this awesome stuff I found in the trash.” Drunks: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 31% (Functioning Adult) “I don’t really have a problem with it. I only drink socially, or after work, or at lunch, or when the boys are over, or when I’m winding down, or when I’m watching TV, or at a baseball game, or at a barbeque, or on holidays, or at a…” Psychonauts: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 43% (Vegan) “I stick to mind-expanding plant medicines. Everything that modern society wants to sell you can be done better with these substances. I also study the Eastern religions because that’s a much better representation of the natural human soul. You can never truly be yourself or connect with Gaia if you don’t free yourself from the shackles of culture. I know a shamaness who can help you begin your healing journey.” Straight-edge: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 66% (Ivy-League Student) “I have no interest in anything that doesn’t lift up my body and mind. Instead of getting high on the weekends, you should be on some kind of side hustle. I’m at the gym by 2 a.m. every day. I only masturbate to entrepreneurship podcasts. Poisoning yourself with drugs means you’re not getting ahead, you’re falling behind.” Pillheads: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 73% (Child of Two Lawyers) “I actually have a chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from feeling happiness. There’s nothing wrong with these drugs because they came from a doctor. I need them to get out of bed in the morning, but that’s not my fault. Really, you should be congratulating me for contributing to society despite my handicap.” Stoners: Conceit-O-Meter reading: 91% (The Goddamn Messiah) “It’s totally non-addictive, and smoking every day has actually been proven to be healthy in a couple studies that I haven’t read. In fact, it might even prevent cancer. Plus, stoners never go out and commit violent crimes, they just wanna eat potato chips. The secret to world peace is just to get everyone to smoke ganja all day long. It’s basically the best thing for anxiety, and the human condition in general, because it’s so effective and natural. It’s just a plant, bro.”

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