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What would you do if you knew that everyone who hated you was a fucking retard? Would you smash your guitar to bits because your act got cut short to appease a consumer demographic? Would you say those dangerous things you always wanted to if you were immune to the opinions of circle-jerking idiots? There was a time when rock stars were self-appointed gods. What happened? How did rock music become this cesspool of sadness?

Humility is not endearing. To say it is is to admit envy.  When you play off your hard won talent as no big deal, you put the needs of an unappreciative public above your own. It’s a bad look, and it devalues all the time you spent practicing your craft. Next thing you know, you’ve got the same self-worth as everyone who never even tried. I can’t think of a better way to insult yourself.

It takes a mammoth ego to command an audience, or to get groupies back to your hotel room with the words “come with me,” or to show off your work until everyone in the world recognizes it. This ego doesn’t come after the success. The superstars who made it to that level had to have the ironclad strength of pride to pick a fight with the odds enough times that they finally won. Or maybe they were conceited enough not to care. To know that the odds are against you, and to still go for it because you believe that you’ll be the one- that’s megalomania, and it’s inspiring.

If you don’t have any substance to back up your claim to greatness, you’re doing it wrong. Imagine if Led Zeppelin came storming across the Atlantic and Jimmy Page could only play Hot Cross Buns. He’d be remembered as history’s biggest asshole. Everybody knows fakers like that. It’s blindingly obvious when it’s all for show, and your audience gets annoyed rather than inspired. The fear of looking like that is what prevents people from owning their talent. If you think you’re good at it, and you act like you’re good at it, and you’re actually good at it, then you’re not an asshole. You’re right.

A healthy dose of megalomania is the body’s natural defense against insecurity. There is no shame in being better than everyone else if you’ve spent your life honing your craft and personalizing your style. You should feel nothing but pride when you stand on a stage, above the audience who paid money to see you. Let’s bring some healthy megalomania back. You’ll never be the rock star pulling groupies or smashing shit if you can’t look the universe in the eye and say “I deserve this.”

Merry Christmas! Or whichever strange, pagan observance you heretics prefer. Our feature this month is an emo band that has been around since 1863, Whippin’ Shitties. We read about how groovy it was to be a slut in the 60’s. We use the latest technology to determine with drug addicts are the most annoying. There’s a new classifieds section called Band-Ads on page 17. Lastly, make sure you check out the new events calendar at SpudMedia.net for everything that didn’t make it to the bathroom wall! It is our spudly duty to make sure you are never bored again. Another big thank you to our resilient Patreon supporters listed above.

Stay dangerous, my friends

-RJ Jenson, Editor ■