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The Spud Guide to Self-Diagnosis

Are you jealous that other people have it worse than you? Don’t you wish you could take part in the massive clout farm of online whining? Well, now you can! Try the latest trend in victimhood fashion: neurodivergency!

Neurodivergent is a perfectly vague term coined by psychiatrists on TikTok to describe people who’s brains are different from “normal” people’s. Normal, or neurotypical people as they are now to be called, enjoy all the wealth and success in this disgusting capitalist world because they are never held back by negative emotions. They don’t feel anxiety and can get ahead- they aren’t depressed and have that get-up-and-go that allows them to work harder for the man. It’s not fair to neurodivergent people.

With the changing trends on social media, the struggling underdog is finally being recognized for the challenges that he must face every day. At long last, boring white people can join the rallying cry of Oppression! without changing their pronouns. Living a good life is out. Depression is in. It’s hip to be sad.

It’s important to diagnose yourself because a psychiatrist might tell you that you aren’t different. He might give you suggestions on how to solve your problems. While it might be nice to live depression and anxiety free, you won’t get the prescriptions you need or the attention you deserve. Besides, is there a better way to stick it to the man than getting addicted to pills manufactured by a government-backed medical industry? In this guide, we’ve listed several normal emotions and behaviors and attached medical terms to them. We’ve listed possible diagnosis for each one. Take as many as you like.

Meet Gus. Gus is neurotypical- in fact, he’s the most normal person that we could find. We’ll use him as a template for “normal” to help you identify your mental illness of choice. Comparing yourself to others is the secret to happiness, after all.

Depression

If you’ve ever felt sad or unmotivated for long periods of time (defined by WebMD as two weeks or more), then you might have depression. Our neurotypical Gus never feels sad for more than 90 minutes. The day after his grandma’s funeral, he gave his wife a peck on the cheek and drove to the office with a big smile on his face.

Extended or severe periods of depression are a good sign that something might be wrong with your brain. Don’t worry about external factors, such as job satisfaction or the people you spend time with. These things have nothing to do with how your brain interprets happiness. Luckily, there are pills to make you forget that you are miserable and you won’t have to change any of your negative surroundings.

Popular diagnosis related to depression include Major Depression Disorder, ADD, and Bipolar Disorder.

Mania

Mania is the opposite of depression- periods of increased happiness and excessive energy for seemingly no reason. Gus never feels this, his happiness level when he got a raise was the same as when he got kicked in the nuts. He never gets excited about new projects, and he certainly doesn’t stay up late anticipating exciting events.

Examples of mania include: waking up on time, staying out late with your friends, laughing at things you find funny, being horny (this is a big one), and enjoying art and music. If that sounds like you, you might have mania as a neurodivergent trait.

Popular diagnosis to consider are bipolar disorder and ADHD.

Anxiety

Gus never feels nervous. He can start a new job or sing karaoke in French without breaking a sweat. He has no problem confronting his boss about workplace issues or a shady mechanic about unfair prices. In his single days, he’d ask girls out without a moment’s hesitation. One time he chased a grizzly bear away from his summer cabin.

Only neurodivergent people feel fear when they face the unknown. This is a big one. If you start quaking in your boots when faced with confrontation or a challenge, then you are neurodivergent. Popular diagnosis include Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety disorder, ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, and basically all the others.

Special Interests

Gus isn’t obsessed with anything. He has no hobbies to speak of. He gets home from work and watches re-runs on TV. He never goes down Wikipedia rabbit holes on new interests. He doesn’t collect paraphernalia of his favorite animal. He doesn’t know everything about anything.

A special interest is different from a hobby in that it’s something that you study for fun. For example, our editor here at Spud is neurodivergent. His special interests are cocaine and pornography. It is a neurodivergent trait to decorate your room with pictures of stuff you like. If you have posters of your favorite musicians or cars around your house, you’re probably neurodivergent.

The Special Interest trait is mostly associated with Autism.

Hyper-Fixation/Attention Deficit

Gus has an attention span of exactly 12.8 minutes. He can only focus for that long on any given task- whether he’s playing a video game or studying the history of beige. Remember, because he’s the standard, if you have an attention span of longer or shorter than 12.8 minutes, you might be neurodivergent.

It’s not normal to start something you’re fascinated by and not want to stop. It is a strong indicator of neurodivergency if you stay up late at night doing something fun or meaningful. Conversely, if you have a hard time paying attention to something you couldn’t give two shits about, that’s an indicator too.

Hyper-fixation and attention deficit are associated with ADD, ADHD, and Bipolar Disorder.

Disassociation

Gus maintains a certain degree of focus on everything he does. He never zonks out or stares into space. He listens to all people everywhere with laser precision (for 12.8 minutes at a time). We’re not sure how he does it.

Neurodivergent people tend to stare off into space. You might find yourself not listening to a boring conversation about tools that your dad and his friends are having. This is called disassociation. It’s where you brain leaves for vacation in Imagination Land. It’s different from daydreaming because you’ll probably end up exploring some kind of hypothetical fantasy with your errant thoughts.

Disassociation is mostly associated with ADD, ADHD, ACHD, and PTSD.