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A was at a show once where I met an old punk who was looking for something crazy. He was disappointed by the decorum of this hardcore show, and asked if I would help get a mosh pit going. We got out there and beat the Christ out of each other but nobody joined in. Regardless, we went to work the next day with bruises on our balls and peace in our hearts.

Like all men, I firmly believe that dancing is gay- a mosh pit is where it’s at. It’s fisticuffs set to music. You hit, you get hit. You take all that anger that you’ve been stifling all week and put it to good use. When the night is over, the aggression is gone. It’s a form of Irish therapy that doesn’t land you in jail.

So, you’ve had it with the man, and you came out tonight to get it out of your system. The crowd is pressed up against the wall, bobbing their heads like Technicolor pigeons. The music’s got you pumped, but nobody is moshing. The task falls to you, and there’s a big empty space with your name on it.

There is no right way to start a mosh pit. The most common way is for one guy to hop around in little circles like one of those monkeys in Thailand begging for food, giving little love taps to people on the periphery to test the waters. Other guys go out there and start running through their Tae Kwon Do routine until someone gets in the way. My favorite is when you grab the edge of the stage and just buck like a fucking donkey. (Some of these methods may start a real fight, which is fine too.)

Remember- by the pit is in the pit. You’re in the splash zone, so don’t get mad when you get beer on your shoes. At the edge of the pit, your job is to push moshers back and keep a fist-length barrier between them and the cell phone cinematographers behind you.

Heavy music is the crucible that distills rage into fun. If you can find a better, faster, healthier way , then I’m all ears. Until then, remember that fighting is how humans have solved their problems for the last 50,000 years. Maybe I am just a violent lunatic who watched Fight Club one too many times, but can you really expect to fight the power if you can’t take one on the chin?