Hi everyone! Fags Dykerson here with Spud Magazine’s That’s Totally Gay column, where we explore things that are totally gay and break down why. It’s important that the LGBTQ+ community is properly recognized, so let’s shine a spotlight on things that are gay, one month at a time.
Springtime is here, and the people of Boise are ready to ride. Bicycles are taking to the streets like Valkyries, so this month, the totally gay thing that I want to highlight for y’all is cycling uniforms. Unfortunately, there’s nothing gay about riding a bike, but the uniforms are so queer that even Rob Halford wouldn’t go near one.
That skin-tight Lycra shows off your hot body and those toned thigh muscles, ripped from pumping those pedals all summer long. It’s soft to the touch so you’re never uncomfortable, and with plenty of breathing room for your sweaty gay balls. These fabulous suits have plenty of anterior padding to protect that delicious tushy from the hard bike seat, a must-have for that sensitive area on long bike rides.
Safety first! Don’t forget to put on a helmet, fitted over your dome like the cap of a Styrofoam mushroom. For added style and gayness, make sure to get the super-aerodynamic ones that make you look like one of those crystal skull aliens. Make sure to wear safety goggles too, to protect your baby blues from dust and road debris. You are beautiful, and you should remain safe, protected, AND stylish when you hit the Greenbelt this summer.
Now, a plain cycling suit would be gay enough- but gay enough is never gay enough. Let’s turn up the heat with fake sponsorships all over! These suits come from the store covered in brand logos to show off to the world that you not only ride your bike, you mean it! You’re not really being sponsored Monster or Kawasaki as you ride your bike to work, but the drivers on the road don’t know that. They see a winner, owning him/herself, taking transportation and fun into his/her own hands, and looking damn good doing it. When they drive by your beautiful padded ass on the street, they’ll be jealous that they don’t look nearly as good as you do.
Stay gay, Boise! See you next month! xoxo
Spud media 